Band Aid

Have you experienced getting hurt? I think getting hurt has its own levels too:

 

Level 1: Kiddie Hurt

-It’s so ouchie you cry and cry and cry and tell mommy it really hurts.

-She puts betadine, blow with her magic breath, and sticks a bandaid to your gushed knee.

-It’s your fault, you were running so clumsily.

 

Level 2: Teenage Hurt

-It’s so sad. Really sad. You can’t tell your parents because you keep too many secrets from them so you cry alone.

-You cry again and again, maybe you share it to your friends, maybe not.

-It’s your fault, you were too young to know what Love is.

 

Level 3: Adult Hurt.

-It’s so painful you cry so hard and make terrible decisions. (You hoped you just cried hard and strike out that phrase after “and”)

-You run to your mommy and you cry together.

-It’s your fault, you’re in the right age but you are still stupid.

 

Level 4: Real Adult Hurt.

-It’s so painful you cry so hard and grieve. You never stop crying and grieving. It’s terrible you wanted to die (too). You cry inside the Comfort Room, in the Taxi, anywhere.

– You can’t tell your parents because they’re gone.

-It’s not your fault, you tried your best.

 

Level 5: Extreme, Immeasurable Adult Hurt.

-It’s so painful you just stare at the wall and the tears don’t fall anymore. You cry a few times but you just passively wipe your tears. You don’t give a f*ck anymore to whoever, or whatever caused your pain. Because you’re so done.

-You can’t tell your parents. They’re gone.

-You can’t tell anyone because people are judgmental and you’re now wiser not to let people in.

-It’s not your fault but hey things can be twisted around now so who cares?

 

Level 6: You.Wouldn’t.Want.To.Know.Level.Six.

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Yes, It is.

This is a cruel world.

 

A world full of people who betrays.

People who gossips.

People who are insensitive.

People who are rude.

 

I try to fight back, but I become the bad person.

I try to answer back, but I become the aggressive one.

I try to defend myself, but I become mean.

 

I try to be silent but I die inside.

Die from the internal pain, suffering.

 

Because this is a cruel world.

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forGIVE

I forgive the tears i was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the stillborn hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils.

I also forgive myself.

I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether i am loved in return,
Of giving, even when i have nothing,
Of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,
Of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,
Of drying my tears, even while i weep,
Of believing, even when no one believes in me.

Paulo Coelho, Alephimage

 

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The Varsitarian’s “RH bill, Ateneo, and La Salle: Of lemons and cowards”

The Varsitarian’s article below is such a bunch of crap. The article states that those professors who supports RH Bill “MUST” leave or resign from their institutions. It even mentioned that “Ateneo and La Salle professors are intellectual pretenders and interlopers”. Can you believe that?

This is an editorial article and you are free to express your opinion. But coming from a decent and respectable university, is it really that difficut for you to be careful in choosing the thought you want to express?

I have a sister who graduated from UST and I hope this won’t go against the whole Thomasian community. Shameful.

 

“RH bill, Ateneo, and La Salle: Of lemons and cowards

Going against the grain, going against the tide, going against popularity surveys, the University of Santo Tomas has upheld the stand of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) condemning the Reproductive Health (RH) bill as an anti-poor, social-engineering measure that not only denigrates the natural law but also runs roughshod over maternal health, kowtows to the contraceptive imperialism of the West, and generally blames the poor and their alleged overpopulation for the ills of society, when it’s the Philippine state and its depredations—its mismanagement and appalling corruption—that are to blame.

 

UST is a Catholic institution. It is a pontifical institution—the second to be so named in world history. Nobody should question whether the University supports the Church’s stand as the Gospel of Christ is UST’s—and any Catholic institution’s—pillar and foundation.

 

Professors who are affiliated with UST must respect the stand of the University against the RH bill as they are part of an institution which is fundamentally bound with Catholic faith and teachings. If UST professors don’t agree with the stand of the CBCP, then they have a problem. The bishops are the successors of the Christ’s apostles and possess the Magisterium, the teaching authority of the Church.

 

If faculty members of UST and other Catholic schools feel they need to invoke their academic freedom to make known their stand in conflict with the bishops regarding the RH bill, then they’re free to do so. But they must resign from UST. They must give up their Catholic academic affiliation. They must have the courage of their intellectual conviction. Upholding their conscience, they must respect the Church and her teachings.

 

Recently, a number of professors from Ateneo de Manila University and De La Salle University have voiced their support for the RH bill. A close reading of the measure should show it promotes abortifacients.

 

A total of 192 Ateneo professors supported the RH bill in their Aug. 13 statement, arguing that the “RH bill can have a decided impact on alleviating pressing social concerns such as high maternal mortality ratio, the rise in teenage pregnancies, and the increase in the number of HIV/AIDS cases, among others.”

 

Last Sept. 3, 45 La Salle professors joined the bandwagon, arguing that there is a need for artificial contraceptives as these can control the growth of the population and improve the quality of life.

 

It’s quite shocking that Ateneo and La Salle professors should harbor naive and misguided thinking about health and social problems. How could they argue that an RH measure would be needed to lower maternal mortality when the Philippine government not too long ago had told the United Nations that it was on track to meet the Unesco millennium development goals by 2015, one of which was the lowering of maternal deaths? How could they argue that alleged high mortality must be checked by an RH measure when pregnancy complications are not in the Top 10 causes of women’s deaths? How could they argue that contraceptives allegedly worth billions of pesos must be given to women to avert pregnancy risks when contraceptives have been known to cause cardiac problems, which are the No. 1 cause of death of Filipino women?

 

How could Ateneo and La Salle professors dismiss the medically established dangerous side effects of contraceptives when they are not even physicians?

 

In contrast, UST, which has the oldest and the foremost school of medicine in the Philippines and Southeast Asia, has always warned about the dangerous side effects of contraceptives. UST and her physicians surely know whereof they speak. They’re scientists and experts, unlike the Ateneo and La Salle professors who are intellectual pretenders and interlopers!

 

But what’s more appalling is that the Jesuit and Christian Brother administrations of Ateneo and La Salle didn’t reprimand their faculty members for openly defying the bishops. Ateneo said it respects the academic freedom of its professors: it had nothing to say about the intellectual dishonesty of its faculty members who are teaching in and receiving high salaries from a Catholic institution who however chose to bite the hand that feeds them all in the name of academic freedom.

 

The Ateneo administration did not even clamp down on two theology professors who signed the pro-RH statement for violating the mandatum of the Catholic Church on theology professors to observe orthodoxy. Perhaps even worse, a Filipino Jesuit professor has been quoted by his student in the latter’s Facebook as scoffing at the alleged threat of the bishops to remove Ateneo’s Catholic title, saying that Ateneo in any case does not have the word “Catholic” appended to its name, so what’s there to lose? We’re pretty sure Saint Ignatius would have no confusion on where to put that jesuitic Jesuit—in Heaven or Hell?—in his famous Spiritual Exercises.

 

The Ateneo and La Salle professors therefore have been treated with kid gloves by the Jesuits and the Christian Brothers. Although they’re religious and members of Catholic orders, the Jesuits and Christian Brothers have failed to uphold orthodoxy and defend the Church. As far as the RH bill and support for it among their faculty are concerned, they’re lemons. And as far as the Pro-RH Ateneo and La Salle professors are concerned, they’re dishonest and don’t have the courage of their intellectual conviction. Contradicting the bishops and defending the RH bill, they have clung on to their faculty membership in Catholic institutions. They want to have their cake and eat it, too. They’re intellectual mercenaries, nothing more, nothing less.

 

It is quite gratifying that UST has cracked the whip and reminded its faculty members that they’re members of a Catholic institution and should toe the line.

 

UST Secretary General Fr. Winston Cabading, O.P. has sent a letter to Prof. Clarita Carillo, Ph.D., vice rector for academic affairs and research, to reaffirm the University’s support of the bishops on matters of faith and morals.

“In the light of recent events where some faculty members of Catholic Universities have publicly expressed dissenting positions from the Catholic bishops on matters of faith and morals, we in the University would like to reaffirm our fidelity to the magisterium of the Church as the Catholic University of the Philippines,” Cabading stated in the letter.

UST was given the title of “The Catholic University of the Philippines” in 1947 by Pope Pius XII. Even earlier, in 1902, UST had been declared a “Pontifical University,” the second to be so named in history even ahead of European universities. Therefore, the University has embodied the ideals that Catholic universities must possess, including the Catholic “education” which the students must learn from their professors.

 

Cabading also stated in his letter that “all faculty members of the University are to refrain from teaching or expressing their personal opinions within the bounds of the University, anything contrary to Catholic faith and morals.”

As these professors have chosen to teach in a Catholic university, they must abide by its teachings and beliefs. In the first place, the same is demanded of students.

 

Cabading emphasized that such reaffirmation is “to safeguard the right of the students to a solid Catholic education.”

Faculty members are “obliged to uphold and show deference to their teaching authority whenever the bishops of the Church have spoken on an issue and have taken a stand in behalf of the Church,” the Dominican Patristics scholar explained.

 

Father Cabading has also clarified that professors, “if they are to speak outside the University of anything contrary to the position of the Church, they are to do so only as private individuals and never identify themselves as faculty members of the University.”

 

Every person is given the “freedom” to choose but that freedom is not absolute.

 

Professors, who are opposed to the University’s—and the bishops’—stand, have always the choice of leaving the University’s portals if they adulterate the Catholic education that the student is entitled to with their personal preference or personal position. The student of a Catholic school must receive Catholic teachings without adulteration, without debasement.

 

But is Father Cabading’s declaration contrary to “academic freedom?”

 

In the first place, academic freedom is not absolute. The Church does not say that a professor must always take the stand of the Church. In the first place, teachers and scholars should know that they’re applying for teaching positions in a sectarian institution.

 

The professors, before they apply for a university position, must know the background of a university. In this case, a Catholic university, like Ateneo, La Salle and UST, has a purpose over and above academic freedoms: the nature and function of a Catholic school are inextricably tied up with the mandatum given by Christ to the Apostles before He ascended to Heaven: “Go ye therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Douay-Rheims Bible).

 

In short, over and above academic freedom, the Catholic university exists for evangelical purposes. By going against the stand of the bishops, the Ateneo and La Salle professors are saying they don’t agree with the Church’s mission. If so, they’re free to leave. In fact, they must leave. They must resign if they have the courage of their conviction.

 

But alas, it seems intellectual honesty and moral conviction are in such short supply in Katipunan, Quezon City and Taft Avenue, Manila. “

 

 

If this is how writers express their thoughts nowadays, then we’re doomed. Where is “Respect”?

 

I am on Twitter: @jeyishi

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Some quotes from the book “The Time Keeper” by Mitch Albom

Okay, so I just finished reading the book. And all I can say is, Mitch Albom did it again. Not only that the story is inspiring, but it is also motivating and encouraging. The story was able to get its message across: Time is precious and we should spend it well.

The story is about a man who was punished for measuring God’s greatest gift: Time. And to free himself, he had to teach two people the true meaning of time. One is a simple teenage girl who wants to give up on life, and another is a wealthy businessman who wants to live forever.

There will be no spoilers here. I only compiled some inspiring phrases I quoted from the book:

  • Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. Man alone measures time. And because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creatures endures. A fear of time running out.
  • Sometimes, when you are not getting the love you want, giving makes you think you will.
  • We all yearn for what we have lost. But sometimes, we forget what we have.
  • Knowing something and understanding it were not the same thing.
  • I prefer clocks broken.
  • When we are most alone is when we embrace another’s loneliness.
  • Time is not something you give back. The very next moment may be an answer to your prayer. To deny that is to deny the most important part of the future: Hope.
  • Ends are for yesterdays, not tomorrows.
  • With no loss or sacrifice, we can’t appreciate what we have.
  • There is a reason why God limits our days–To make each one precious.
  • All who are born are always dying.
  • We do not realize the sound the world makes–unless, of course, it comes to a stop. Then, when it starts, it sounds like an orchestra.

We worry too much about our jobs, about people who are so irritating. We worry about the bills we have to pay, the episodes of TV series we have missed. We worry about everything. Can we just stop for a while and think about how important time is? Stop worrying. Instead, let’s try to take each minute, each second as precious and do the best we can to spend it well. Spend each minute with everything we’ve got and give it our best shot–as if it’s our last.

I am on Twitter: @jeyishi

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Isang Dosenang klase ng high school students. Saan ka nabibilang? —Bob Ong

Excerpt from “ABNKKBSNPLAKo” by Bob Ong:

Sa mata ng isang guro, may isang dosenang klase lang ng high school students.

CLOWNS  – Ang official kenkoy ng class. May mga one-liner na gumigising sa lahat pag nagkakaantukan na. Sabi ng ilang teacher, eto raw yung mga KSP sa klase na dahil hindi naman matalino e idinadaan na lang sa patawa ang pagpapapansin. Pero aaminin ko, walang klaseng walang ganito, at kung meron man, magigigng matinding sakripisyo ang pagpasok sa eskuwela araw- araw.

GEEKS  – Mga walang pakialam sa mundo, libro-teacher-blackboard lang ang iniintindi. Kahit na mainit na ang ulo at bad trip ang teacher, ang mga geeks ang walang takot na lumalapit sa kanila para lang itanong kung mag-iiba ang result ng equation kung isa-substitute yung value ng X sa Y.

HOLLOW MAN  – May dalawang uri ang H.M virus, ang type A at type B. Ang type A ay ang mga estudyanteng madalas invisible, bakante ang upuan, madalas absent. Type B naman ang mga mag-aaral na bagama’t present e invisible naman madalas ang sagot sa mga quiz, hollow ang utak.

SPICE GIRLS  – Barkadahan ng mga kababaihang mahilig gumimik, sabay-sabay pero laging late pumapasok ng room pagkatapos ng recess at lunch break. Madalas na may hawak na suklay, brush, at songhits. Pag pinagawa mo ng grupo ang isang klase, laging magkakasama sa iisang grupo ang SG.

DA GWAPINGS  – Ang male counterpart ng SG, isinilang sa mundo para magpa-cute. Konti lang ang miyembro nito, mga dalawa hanggang apat lang, para mas pansin ang bawat isa. Tulad ng SG, kadalasang puro hair gel lang ang laman ng utak ng mga DG.

CELEBRITIES  – Politicians, athletes, at performers. Politicians ang mga palaban na mag-aaral na mas nag-aalala pa sa kalagayan ng eskuwelahan at mga kapwa estudyante kesa sa grades nila sa Algebra. Athletes ang ilang varsitarian na kung gaano kabilis tumakbo e ganoon din kabagal magbasa. Performers naman ang mga estudyanteng kaya lang yata pumapasok sa eskuwela e para makasayaw, makakanta, at makatula sa stage tuwing Linggo ng Wika. Sa pangkalahatan, ang mga celebrities ay may matinding PR, pero mababang IQ.

GUINESS  – Mga record holders pagdating sa persistence. Pilit pinupunan ng kasipagan ang kakulangan ng katalinuhan. Sila ang kadalasang nagtatagumpay sa buhay. Masinop sa projects, aktibo sa recitation. Paulit-ulit at madalas magtaas ng kamay, kahit na laging mali ang sagot.

LEATHER GOODS  – mga estudyanteng may maling uri ng determinasyon. Laging determinado ang mga ito sa harapang pangongopya, bulgarang pandaraya, at palagiang pagpapalapad ng papel sa teacher. Talo ang mga buwaya sa pakapalan.

WEIRDOS  – Mga problematic students, misunderstood daw, kadalasang tinatawag na black sheep ng klase. May kanya-kanya silang katangian, konti ang kaibigan, madalas mapaaway, mababa ang grades, at teachers’ enemy.

MGA ANAK NI RIZAL  – Ang endangered species sa eskuwelahan. Straight ‘A’ students pero well rounded at hindi geeks. Teacher’s pet pero hindi sipsip. Hari ng Math, Science, at English, pero may oras pa rin sa konting extra-curricular activities, at gimmicks.

BOB ONGS  – Mga medyo matino na medyo may sayad. Eto yung estudyanteng habang nagle-lecture yung teacher e pinaplano na yung librong ipa-publish nya tungkol sa mga classmates nya.

COMMONERS  – Mga generic na miyembro ng klase. Kulang sa individuality at katangiang umuukit sa isipan. Hindi sila kagad napapansin ng teacher pag absent, at sa paglipas ng panahon, sila ang mga taong unang nakakalimutan ng mga teachers at classmates nila.

Posibleng may mga estudyante na ang katangian ay kombinasyon ng mga nabanggit. Posible ring hindi lahat ng uri ng estudyante ay makikita sa iisang klase.

-Bob Ong (ABNKKBSNPLAKo)

I am on Twitter: @jeyishi


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A Christmas Letter to Heaven

I can now feel the cold breeze a.k.a. Christmas breeze outside the streets. Christmas lanterns are everywhere, with amazing Christmas lights all over the city. Malls are crowded with people shopping for gifts. Girls downloading recipes for the Noche Buena feast. Love is spreading with a spirit of giving. This is definitely the most wonderful time of the year.

There is one person that I really miss and will always miss during this special occasion. My mother. This is the third Christmas that I will spend without her.

I remember when we used to get so excited on our gift-giving at 12am on Christmas Day. My brother and I used to sneak and open the gifts (very carefully) prematurely out of excitement and put the scotch tapes back on the wrapper so our mother will not suspect that we peeked at them. Come 12am, our mother will give us her gifts and we will fake our excitement. She will just smile a meaningful and satisfied smile, knowing that she made her children happy.

I also miss how she used to cook and prepare for our sumptuous Noche Buena. She will prepare the food for almost the whole day, only to end up in our tummies in just a matter of minutes. We never saw any hint that she got tired, or even got stressed out of preparations. What we saw is her sincere happiness that she was able to serve and made her family happy.

It’s another Christmas without her and it still hurts me so bad. My Christmases will never be the same again. Now that I am a mother, it makes me think I should just try to imitate what my mother used to do for us in this occasion. Sure, I can do that. But I am also a daughter too–a daughter who will keep on searching for the “lost days” with her mom.

 
My mother was young and pretty and kind. All those were taken away from her. She was taken away from me. There will always be an empty space during our special occasions. There will always be an empty space in my heart, and it will always hurt.

Christmas is a season to celebrate the birth of Christ. I will try not to feel pain. I will just think that she will be happier in God’s arms as they party with the angels. I will just think that as they celebrate joyfully, she will take a second to look down at me smiling, sending her kisses and well wishes for my Christmas.

“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.”

 
Merry Christmas, Mommy.

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Things I learned about life

I’m just a 26-year old lass. I may not be that old enough to get and embrace most of life has to offer but I here are some things I have learned and I will continue to keep in mind during my life’s journey:

1. Trust. And when in doubt, trust still. Chances are, 90% of those people are worthy to be trusted. It’s true that people deserve second chances. Though sometimes, that’s the point of deceiving, knowing that they will still have another chance. Show them that you can trust fully. It’s up to them to value your trust or damage it. Important thing is, you did what’s right and what’s good. You are not the one who’ll suffer the consequences anyway.

2. Listen. Most of the times,listening is more important than speaking up. Most people won’t really care about what you say or how you feel. They needed to be acknowledged. And once they have been acknowledged, that’s the only time they’ll be interested in what you have to say. This is true for most people. Lucky for you if you have found the “few”people” you can unconditionally share your feelings with.

3. Treat everyone with respect. Don’t talk down on people. Don’t shout at people. Don’t let them feel worthless and stupid. Even the most successful or the wisest person doesn’t have any right to disrespect any one. No one even deserves that.

4. If people can’t be nice to you, at least just be nicer to them. We may encounter lots of people who may seem rude and cruel. But the best response is to be nicer to them.It will make them stop and think that you’re crazy, but in the end, they will realize what they’re doing and will snap back to reality.

5. Value your friends. Don’t take your friends for granted because they will serve as your rescue team when things get tough for you. When all else fails, and when the most important people turned their backs on you, you would still have your friends to turn to. Love friendship.

6. Stick with your family. I no longer have a family and I am no expert to say this, but your family is your home–they will be the last set of people who will want you hurt, or even see you cry. They are the ones who love you, and will always love you, without asking for anything in return.

7. Don’t take people for granted. You may be acquainted with various people in your life and may unknowingly take them for granted. You may be surprised that at some low point in your life, they are the ones who can listen to you, understand you, and who can simply be there for you.

8. Love. When things are done out of love, then you did the right thing. It’s just that some people have their own definitions of “love”, and that’s something very hard to deal with. And when it does not work and you still fail? Love more.

9. Pray. Letting God into your heart soothes whatever feeling you may have. When you’re sad and when you feel so low, talk to Him. Talk to him about your fears, your worries, and anything else that you are feeling. It will surely make you cry even more, but it’s worth it. He’ll listen and you’ll eventually feel very peaceful, it’s as if God has embraced you.

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Sweet Jeopardy

I waited for sunshine

In a gray morning,

but the voluminous clouds

hid it under;

 

I sought for a cheerful voice

in a vast void,

but a tormented silence

jostled its melody;

 

I yearned for an oasis

In a desert,

but the blaze

seized it beneath;

 

I wished for a map

In a jungle,

but the angry hyenas

tore it into bits;

 

I swam for a craft

In a stormy sea,

but the stinking sea ogre

ruined it into pieces;

 

I looked for a ray of hope

In an emptiness,

but a raged wind

took it to Utopia;

 

I reached for a pillar of strength

In rough times,

but a heinous axe

knocked it over;

 

I searched for a beam

In wilderness,

but a somber evening

hoisted it yonder;

 

and in a cloudy night,

the hindrances ceased,

I anticipated for a star,

clinging..hoping..

 

and praying that the sky

will secure its sheen..

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Going back, moving forward.

July 16, 2009. It was a busy day at UST hospital. Some of my friends dropped by to donate blood for my mother. I joined them in the Blood screening room where they were being tested for blood transfusion. They even made fun of me because the weight requirement is 100 lbs, mine is only 95 lbs. They noticed I was too quiet, when I heard one of them said, “Kakayanin ni tita yan. Masyado nya kayo love ni Jun-jun para gumive up.” I just smiled.

Then I went back to the room. Around 5 doctors were gathered around my mother’s bed.

The doctors called me for a conference meeting. I was not able to make up everything that they said. Just some phrases:  Stage 4. Vital organs are getting damaged. Kidney failure. Toxins reached her bloodstream. Nothing they can do to heal her. Then they gave me two options: A. Ongoing dialysis that will continue to detoxify her blood. Cons? A metal tube is to be inserted in her neck to do this (which is really really painful); She will remain unconscious until God knows when; This will NOT heal her. It will just prolong her agony because the cancer will still consume her anyway. Or B. I sign a waiver permitting them to not resuscitate my mother anymore.

Then silence. I tried to absorb everything. Then I said, “Doctors, being my mother’s eldest child, I’ve been through so much. I cannot think straight right now. I just want you to do everything for my mother. You are experts and I know you are capable of thinking reasonably. You’ve been in this situation countless of times. So, in your opinion, what would be the best option we can take here?

The neurologist said, “We are at a dead end here. Just take the option that will cause your mother less pain.”

I chose Option B.

 

Emptiness. I sat by the stairs outside the hospital room and my eyes were transfixed with all the people, nurses, doctors who passed by. Why could they continue living with their lives when mine just crashed? Why could they just go on with what they are doing when my world just stopped and froze? Why could they just talk to each other casually when I cannot speak with shock? Why could they smile when I cannot stop crying?

This made me realize that no matter how bad my situation is, whatever happened to my mom, or whatever happened to everyone else, life goes on. It simply just goes on. My mom is gone, nothing or no one can ever change that.

Our uncle drove us home so we could rest while they arrange my mom’s wake. I sat beside my brother in the van. None of us spoke. This is the first time though (after a week with no sleep and running errands at the hospital), that we have felt exhaustion. I took a bath, kissed Joaquin and went to bed. I just stared at the ceiling perplexed.  Then, darkness.

I slept for almost about 24 hours. I woke and prepared to go to my mom’s wake.

It was comforting to see friends, or even strangers share our grief. I decided to just get busy and help with attending to the guests, running errands and buying things, food for the wake. Whenever I hear someone talking about what happened to mom, I immediately retreat to the Pantry area to prepare something, or even just pretend to do something. This went on for almost 4 days.

Then the interment. Still numb, I just did everything to stay close to my mother.

We went home after the interment and this was the point when my emotions started to overwhelm me. I cried, I slept, I cried, and I cried.

How could a life end just like that?

 

Two years after, I am still crying. I already accepted what happened, I already let my mother go. Knowing that she is at peace with God is the only thing that comforts me. No more pain, no more suffering–just plain peace and serenity. The only reason I still cry is sadness. Sadness of not having my mother around–not around to see her grandkids grow, not around to witness our achievements, not around to simply enjoy life.

Then a realization hit me. It hurts big time knowing that you can’t be with the person you love. But maybe what I need is to be at peace with her loss. She may not want me to ruin my life because of what happened. That is another burden she will have to carry. And I don’t want to give her another burden. Not anymore.

My mother once said, “When I’m gone, I will not worry about you and your brother anymore. I am confident enough that you will cope and live well. That is because I have raised you according to values I knew was right. I am confident that you will raise your children like how I raised you. I did everything to make our broken family whole and happy. I provided you with everything you needed. I did that so you will not, even for a moment, be frustrated that you do not have a father. I tried to be both the Mother and Father whom you needed. I love you both and I know did everything to prove that to everyone. When I’m gone, take care of your brother. Love each other more.”

My mother died without ever really going away. As long as we love each other, and as long as we remember the feeling of love we have towards each other, I will live with all the memories I have of her here in my heart. Yes, she was taken away from us, but not her love. Her love will continue to overpower her absence. She is with us, and always will be.

So If someone asks how my mom is doing, I’ll answer with a smile: “She’s fine.”

 

 

 

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

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